Through All Trials I Will Love
by Ever Searching
Summary: Spike's journal is found after he dies. Very sweet. Hard to summarize. It tells about the entire Buffy show from his POV. It is written before the final showdown with the First. DS some fake BS. Please Read and review. Very good. Sad and cute! One Shot!


Spike's Journal

By: (v)e

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Hello, mates. My name is William. You may know me as Spike or William the Bloody. Which ever you choose, as long as you don't call me Peaches. ::shudder:: As you know, I'm a vampire, a creature of the night. Anyhow, it is 2003. Where to start? Well, I guess I should start at the beginning, but first I should tell you what she is to me. Yes, I remember it like it was yesterday. Her long brown locks were like silken threads, pale warm skin, shining blue green eyes with purple flecks in them, they held an innocence, a purity. She had a pale beauty that only a creature of the night could wear. Only I know what she truly was. A wonderful passionate woman/girl. The most powerful woman in the world. As you may know in 2003 a witch by the name of Rosenburg made it so all potentials were given the sacred duties of the slayer, but of all those potentials came this one fighter. No more than a slip of a girl when she recieved her powers.

But she alone was the strongest. This was because she was originally the Key. After she recieved her duties she mastered her powers as the Key and channeled them into her slaying powers. And it was bloody scary.

She was sister to one of the original slayers. The slayer, actually.

I knew the Angel as 'Nibblet' or 'platelet' or 'bite size'. But I never knew that I would fall for her as I thought I had for her sister, Buffy. chuckle Yah, now there was a bloody peice of work. She was supposedly the fairer of the Summers' sisters, atleast that's what I thought then. If only I had known. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

It was approximately 1996 and I had just arrived at SunnyDale, ugh, that terrible town. It was the mouth of Hell, so I was taking Drusilla, my first love, to regenerate her, since the poor insane thing was sick with a vampire virus, still not sure what it really was. Anyways, we arrived and began to stay in a old factory place. I was working for this Master dude, but when I couldn't kill Slayer, I got scolded and I said Fuck It! I killed the little wanna-be vampire and left. In order to regenerate Dru I had to have the blood of her sire, Angelus, but he was a bloody poof now. Something about a soul now. It was easy enough to get her sire and to the church, but the damned slayer got there in the middle of the ritual and ruined it. And there were two bloody Slayers! Two! As if one isn't bad enough here comes this Kendra bitch. I got hurt real bad and ended up in wheelchair. Dru, thankfully, was able to heal from the little blood she got from Peaches. So, she got us out of there. And then, or so I heard, Angel slept with The Slayer and lost his soul, becoming Angelus! My beloved sire. He rejoined us and we began to assemble the pieces of The Judge. Big Blue. After that we took him to the sunnyhell mall and Slayer found somehow to destroy him. Boo-hoo!

Later Rupert Giles, the slayer's watcher, burned down the factory because Angelus killed his girlfriend. Peaches, the idiot, tried to move us into this garden dump, but of course Drusilla just loved it! Did I mention that she was practically all over the sodding freak! It wasn't excactly like Lestat and those poor pusses he called vampires. No, most vampires aren't so soft hearted as the pussy, Louise or whatever the bloody hell his name was. I mean have you even read those- Sorry, off subject. Well, next it was this dumb statue of an ancient demon, that damn Peaches was always trying to end the world! 'Scuse me but I like having the world as an open McDonalds. You got millions of little Happy Meals running around! It was wonderful, I don't drink from humans anymore, cause of her. But anyhow, I'd been able to walk for sometime and Peaches didn't know neither did Dru. Actually, she didn't know were she was half the time. Well, I decided to get help from the Slayer of all people. She agreed as long as she got to kill Angel, and I told her that she better not hurt Dru. We were going to get away and we did. Slayer killed Peaches and, so I heard, he was all goody goody. Big loss! Oh well, long a story short, I came back after Dru left me for a chaos demon and I went back to Sunnydale for God only knows why and I found out that she had faced this dude called the Mayor and blew up the High School. When I got there, the slayer had moved onto a commando dude.. God, I hated those fatique wearing pansies. you know if you switch around the letters in fatique you get faqit without the ue. Anyhow, right when I'm getting in a good ending line before I slip away into the night those fagity commando geeks come up behind me and zap me with some gay ass tazor. As if they can't take a vampire with cheating. Pussies, the whole lot of them. I mean I I don't blame them. William the Bloody, in all. chuckle Well, I woke up and I was in this gay ass facility, if you could even call it that. I didn't know where the bloody hell I was. Some kind of holding place for demons, since there were a lot of them. I don't know how long I spent in there. Then the poofs dropped this packet of blood into my 'cell'. One of the vamps next door told me not to drink it. Said it was drugged. Said things happen when you're asleep.

Few days later, I hadn't anything to drink in ages and there that blood was. So red and appetizing. I couldn't stand it. And then I made the worst and best mistake-choice of my unlife. I drank it. I couldn't help it. My instinct to live, well, not literally, took over and I "glomped" as the Nibblet calls it, the packet. Speaking of which, who came up with that stupid word? Packet. That has to be the gayest word I've ever heard. Would you like a packt of blood? God, who comes up with this stuff. As you can see I've been hanging around humans way to long. Any way, when I woke up I was in my cell again and I felt all woozy. But I got over it. After awhile I got yet another one of those gay packets!-urgh lets just call them...bags! Perfect! I got another bag of blood. But this time I only pretended to drink it. I really gave it to one of my cell friends. Worked. I pretended to pass out and the initiative people came and tried to take me. But I got the drop on them. I broke out and killed a lot of the people and, being the friendly demon I am, tried to get all the other demons out. Some didn't make it. I didn't really care when humans died but when a fellow friend of demon hood dies it means something. He was one of the guys that had helped me escape, he gave up life in order to save my stupid unlife. Later I tried to bite Red, one of the slayer's friends, (Willow) and it didn't work! I couldn't bite her.

Talk about embarrassing. The Big Bad Vampire couldn't even bite a wanna-be witch. Well, atleast she was a wanna-be witch at the time, now she's bloody scary! She nearly destroyed the world too. I have to give her credit. I never would have tried to raise a Saddist temple to do it. But then again, as I have mentioned, I was never into the whole destroying the world thing. I was taken in by the slayer and they tied me up and then the fun began! They started giving me pigs blood like the poof. Oh, didn't mention the bloody Peaches came back from the hell demension he had been in. Lives in LA now. And he runs a detective agency. After a bit I had to stay with Harris, or captain cammando! Harris was annoying and I don't mean the 'I can't stand it when you do that annoying' like when Nibblet sleeps she twitches and hits you square in the jaw! Yes, love you do. What? I've gotten 3 broken jaws from that! Whatever. S'ok love I know you don't mean to. Anyways, Harris was annoying in the 'Everything you do makes me want to kill you' way.

Then I found out that I could hit demons without it hurting and I started to kick their slimy asses! It was wonderful. I got a really bad reputation with demons, specially since I am a demon. You know how that goes. I was a traitor, just like Peaches. Fits, seeing as he is my sire.

Oh, and Captain Cardboard(Riley) left the slayer.

Aftera while, I moved into a cript and it was 2002 now. I'd been in Sunnydale for 8 years now. One night I went to get the Slayer for patroling and I saw this girl sitting on the stairs in slayer's house. I asked her who she was and she asked the same thing back. I said, 'I asked you first.' 'So?' 'So, answer.' 'Dawn.' 'oh, I'm Spike' She giggled and her eyes lighted up like stars. 'Something funny?' 'You're name' 'Whatever, Nibblet.' 'What?' 'Nevermind, bite-size.' 'You're a vampire.' 'Obviously.' I sat down beside her and we talked. Slayer came down and was being all protective. 'What are you doing?' 'Talking to Nibblet.' 'That's my sister.' WHAT THE BLOODY HELL? Needless to say I was shocked. 'You're her sister?' Nibblet nodded. 'And why are you calling her "nibblet"?' That didn't go well. After that I went patrolling like usual. But I couldn't get her out of my mind. She was wedged into my mind, until I asked the slayer why she had never told me she had a sister and she answered, 'Since when do I have to tell you every aspect of my life.' I just shrugged. After a while I began to see more and more of my Nibblet. As I called her. She wasn't like all the rest of them. She was sane and innocent. She saw me as a friend, not some evil incarnate. She was sweet and she liked me. The real Spike. She'd coem over to my crypt and we'd watch 'Passions' my newest obsession. She'd listen to me talk for endless hours about my William the Bloody days. I loved having her around. She was so completely different. Her views on the world werensane and wonderful. Her logic was that of a girl that had never sdeen bloodshed like I had. But I liked it a lot more than reality. One day she came in and asked me if 'Passions' had come on yet and I nodded. She asked what had happened and I explained during the commercial break. When Passions was over we talked like usually and she told me about this guy she liked and all the sudden I felt angry and I growled! She asked if anythingwas wrong and I said no. I realized I was jealous. I didn't know why, but I was. Then the next day we talked and I noticed her watching my lips move as I told her about a time in Italy when Angelus and I wiped out a monistary. She was entranced it seemed.

Then I saw her eyes roam over me in a not so innocent way. I saw desire in her eyes and I felt myself harden! It was terrible. I said I had to get something and went to my lower level. Why I was thinking about my Nibblet in such a manner! What? MY NIBBLET! What the hell is wrong with me? When did I become so damn possesive? Life just seemed to get worse and worse. But I jynxed myself. Now, the slayer decides that Nibblet can't see me anymore. NO! And yes at the same time. On one side we have the no-Nibblet-to-make-Spike-horny-and-get-embarrassed-in-front-of-Nibblet and the other I-like-having-her-around-and-she-understands-me side. It was very confusing. Then. So, in a confused state I come up with a master plan! Probably my best. Pretend I'm in love with the slayer, in result, I'll be able to see Nibblet. Brilliant actually. So, I began it. I made goo-goo eyes and even captured her to prove I loved her. And as I expected, she said I was crazy. I also captured Drusilla and said I would stake her for my love! I would never stake Dru. Poor thing was shaking. Wonder where she is now, oh, well, didn't work. Slayer was convinced I had lost it.

I still hadn't figured out how I felt for Nibblet yet. I did find out that Red wasn't straight, I didn't have a problem with that, hell I used to have a thing for Angelus. Used to! Anyway, me and Red got to be friends. Not I-want-to-pick-out-curtains friends. Just friends, besides, she was dating a girl named Tara. She was pretty cool. I told her about Nibblet's attraction to me. And I made it clear that I would never do that with her till I knew she loved me. That's why she always trusted Nibblet with me. Then, to my horror, I started to noticed she was "growing up". As in, damn-look-at-her-butt-breasts-and-hips growing up. And if I know body language she knew I wanted her. One of the reasons I drank alcohol a lot. It was because I wanted her so badly that I even resorted to self-pleasure. Once and only once. And that was when we all went to the Bronze and she was dancing. "Booty" dancing as she calls it. And she was with this guy that looked a whole helluva lot like me. So, you can guess what that lead to. Sometimes, I hate my imagination. Like then. Everyone thought this was because of Slayer. I swear that dame is self-centered. She wanted everything about her. Hell, I even had some idiots build a stupid Slayer bot to convince those idiots that I loved her.

Nibblet's mother died. She was really broken. I couldn't do anything. And I liked Joyce. She was the one who got me hooked on Passions. I mourned with Nibblet, if only secretly. She had died from a tumor. I still miss her lively attitude. Then disaster struck.

Which leads me up to Glorificus. Glory for short. She was a god. Yes, a god. One that had been imprisoned in a human body with a guy. She was mean and wanted something called the Key. When Nibblet found out she was the Key she was devastated. She cried so much on my shoulder. That night she cut her self open with a butcher knife. Asking, 'Is this blood?' When the slayer asked why she did this she replied 'I'm not a Key.' She did this a lot around me. I stopped her from committing suicide everytime, obviously. She really scared me. And in those moments realized I loved her. But, unfortunately, I couldn't come out and tell her, or I would never see her again.

'The Key was a source of energy. It was shapeless for thousands of years. Till Glory reappeared. The monks that guarded it gave it form, made it human and sent it to the slayer in the form of a sister. Dawn.' That was Giles' exact words in the watcher diaries. It was what the name states. It opened the doors between demensions. If this happened, then Glory could get back home. Bad. What had to be done was the Key had to be bled on a specific time and place for the portal to open and the demensoins would only close if the blood stopped, or Nibblet would have to be dead. I was not going to let that happen. No matter what. If I had to become Glory's lapdog, fine.

Glory could only survive if she stole people energy or that wich made them sane. So, one day she took Tara's. She also broke her hand. Bitch! I really wanted kill her now. She had hurt the witch! Now, it was personal. Tara was my friend like Red. I hated the fact that I couldn't do anything.

Then Nibblet was captured. I felt like it was my fault. My love was in danger because I didn't protect her like I should have. Then we followed Tara to a construction site. But right before we left, Slayer told me to protect her and I thought, 'Like I wouldn't'. And she made me promise not to let anything happen to her. We got there. I saw Nibblet up on that tower and I felt my black heart jump into my throat. I had to get to her. The Scoobies fought off all the insane people while the slayer fought Glory. I had to get to her. I climbed as fast as my vampiric strength and abilities would allow. But I was too late. This Doc dude that we had gone to and found out was a worshiper of Glory was up there and had cut Nibblet. I was pissed! I punched him and he got the better of me. I fell about 15 stories, but the whole time I was worrying about Nibblet. the woman I loved was up there bleeding to death and I had failed her.

The next thing I knew I was out cold. When I woke up, I saw the slayer dead and I found myself in tears, I don't know why. I think it was because I had lost one of my best friends. I remember the talks we had and I loved her like sister. I could never really love her like I do Nibblet. But I missed her like I would a fallen friend. First thing that went through my mind other than she was gone was Nibblet. I rushed over to her as she climbed down the stairs and let her cry. I hid her from the sight. And we cried. Mine was half for my love's pain and half for my friend. I took her home and stayed over at her house that night. She wouldn't let me leave and I couldn't help but feel happy that she actually wasn't angry at me. I remeber apologizing a million times saying that I should have gotten there sooner so she wouldn't have bled. The next five months, Nibblet and I never left each others side. I wouldn't let anyone hurt her, verbally or physically. Everytime someone said the word 'Buffy' I would glare at them so hard that they ran in fear, even if I did have the blasted chip. Nibblet tried to kill herself a lot, and I scolded her to an extent, but nothinbg serious or she would start crying, thinking I was mad at her. I explained a million times that I could never be mad at her. At night I would hold her as she slept and whisper that I loved her in her ear. She never heard it, but we became very close and she was always inquiring about my well being. Like I was going to break. No, I wasn't. I was the strong one. Always was. Even now, when she's stronger than me.

I even remember her asking, no begging me to turn her. She asked and asked and asked. But one time she said, 'I want to spend eternity with you,' I replied. 'Eternity is a very long time. But no you don't.'

Then we find that the slayer's been resurected by the Scoobies. And then Nibblet and I start to drift a part, partly because I had to start with the whole "I love you" bit. Till Slayer tells me that she was in heaven when she was dead. Surprise! We thought she was in a hell deminsion. She was so miserable and she told me everything. Has anyone notice how I've turned into a Dear Abbey? I have.

Then she starts kissing me. Well, thats great and all for my plan but I hated kissing her. It was like kissing your sister. But I sucked it up and dealt. It was the only way they wouldn't take my Nibblet away. I missed her and everytime I slept with Slayer, I imagined it was her. I wondered what it would be like with her. What would it be like to kiss her? To love her? To wake up beside her? I was torn up on the inside and I tried not to let it show. I remember praying that they would let me sit her.

One time she wished to a vengence demon that we wouldn't leave her and we were trapped in her house and she told us that we didn't care about her. I wanted to shake her and yell, 'I love you, dammit, can't you see that?' But I couldn't. It was the hardest thing I ever did to walk away from that. After a few Apocolypses. We had a new enemy. Warren, Andrew, and Johnathon. The same idiots that built the Buffy bot. They were pethetic. I left town for Africa in order to get a soul. (Fouled you all didn't I?)Everyone thought I went to get my chip taken out. Well, I didn't partially and so I could protect Nibblet and I got something better. The Nemiseses, as they called themselves, broke up. Andrew and Johnathon were put in jail and Warren shot Slayer and Tara. Red went crazy and healed Slayer, but she was too late for Tara. It was really bad on Red. She had just made up with her and she was there when she died. She summoned gods to bring her back but they wouldn't. She then went and killed Warren. Skinned him alive. Andrew and Johnathon got out of jail. This whole time I'm in Africa fighting for a wish. For Nibblet. But Red was the important of the two. She tried to destroy the Earth and even fought Giles. In a magic battle. From what I hear it was awesome in a bad since. Giles lost and she went to raise this Saddist temple like I said. But Harris stopped her by telling her he loved her as a friend. She went to England to recieve training from Rupert. I finished my tasks to get my chip removed and man did I get jipped. I got my soul. Just kidding. I went insane and I don't know how but I got back to SunnyDale and When I came to I was in the basement of the newly built SunnyDale High. I went out and found Slayer. She was surprised to see me and I found out that Anya went back to being a vengence demon. After that Slayer found that Andrew killed Johnathon to open this seal to the Hellmouth and let a vampire out. This was a super vampire. We killed it and then we realized that there was an army in the Hellmouth. Faith came to help along with about fifty potentials. And that the First Evil and this dude named Caleb were working together.

Red also found herself a new girlfriend, Kennedy. I don't like her very much. Tara wasn't so butch. I'm glad for her though.

As for me, I was dying inside. I hadn't talked to Nibblet in almost a year and now I was convinced that she didn't love me. She was 16 now. They didn't even celebrate her birthday. But I gave her something. A necklace silver with the emerald eye of a pheonix. Was supposed to heal immediately after a wound and kept you safe. I love her fully now.(I know this isn't true, I'm trying to liven things up a little) I love her fully now. And it's killing me. I wish I had fallen for Buffy, somewhat. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

There was a fued between Faith and Buffy after Faith took the potentials that were left and partied with them. Buffy was kicked out and when I got back I beat the shit out of Faith. Did I mention I got my chip out? By Buffy nonetheless. The commando dudes. Even though they were supposed to have disbanded. I went out and found Buffy. She was staying at someone's house, since everyone left Sunnydale. She looked like she was dead. So I told her what she needed to hear. I think I ment some of it. Maybe I did love her, but it is gone. Pity, she looked beautiful then. Her tears shining in her eyes. Is it possible to love two people? I slept beside her that night. Watching her and I thought to myself, maybe I could fall for her for real. I almost wish I had.

Then Buffy formed a plan. Willow would perform a spell on an axe we had found. It was an ancient slayer weapon. It would turn every potential into a slayer. That's how Nibblet will be turned into a slayer. Ironic, she is made from Buffy and Faith. And they're slayers. I always knew she would be a slayer.

I was to wear this amulet that Peaches dropped of for us. It would let me walk in the light. And there was this guy called...Robyn! That was it. Sorry, this journal isn't very organized, but then again, neither am I. My life since I reached SunnyDale is shit. I'm in love with a woman/girl that doesn't know I exist anymore. I'm a souled vampire and I have to pretend I love a vampire slayer just to catch a glimpse of Dawn. Finally I have the courage to say her name. Things are bad, but I guess I should just roll with the punches. Like always. I wish I had told Dawn I love her. I miss her. She was my life and I don't think she even likes me anymore. I have to go. The plan is soon and I have to go. (we see tear drops on the page) Look what I've been reduced to. A poof. But I wouldn't change a thing. I love a helluva woman. Goodbye.

(Dawn's handwriting)

William Spike Randall died saving SunnyDale. In April of 2003. I do love you, Spike. I always have and I hope you know that. You were my best friend and love. You made my life complete. I want you to know that I appreciate all you did and I wish I could have told you I love you.(Breaks off into a sob) You will be remembered by the girl you loved and, Spike, we won. You went out with a bang like you wanted to. You saved the world and me, Dawn.

April 2006

Dawn began to cry as she shut Spike's journal in the lobby of the Hyperion Hotel. It all made sense now. All the times he drank and smiled at her. She was the only person he truly ever smiled at. "I miss you so much Spike. I'd do anything just to have you back. I truly love you. I wanted to spend eternity with you. I really did."

"Eternity is a very long time." Dawn turned around and saw coming in from the night into the dim lobby, Spike. "Spike?" It came out in a whisper as he slauntered up to her in his lazy grace. "Hello, Nibblet." She ran into his arms and they did the one thing that they had both wanted for four years. They shared their first kiss. Dawn was so happy. She let every emotion she was feeling go into that kiss. She loved him with all her heart and she wanted to show him.

Everywhere he felt her tingled and sang. His head was spinning and he felt his pulse go bonkers. (wait and see my friends) When they broke away Dawn looked at him. "Spike, you're-"

"Human."

"What kept you?" She said in a teasing way.

"Traffic."

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AN: 

Infinite: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! There I admit it. Wahhhh!

Spike: Nope, you don't, so piss off.

Dawn: What Spike means is that he is ever so happy to be here right? glares

Spike: Nice try at intimidation but it ain't gonna work like it does on the poof.

Spike and Dawn continue to fight till it ends in a snog fest

Infinite: Please be gentle it is my first fic for Buffy fans to read. Smiles!

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I hope you like it. You see that adorable little button down there? Well, it the Review button. We like the review button a lot so it likes to be used. Just don't abuse and review! (runs off myttering something about Spike, nets, and snogging) 


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